Freckled canvas

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you’ll never know
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?
I’ll start before I can stop
Before I see things the right way up

Freckled canvas. Which one are you? I am changing. Words are not enough. Most of us were raised to become ordinary. Extraordinary is something very very different. This is about recognising within yourself that there is something very very extraordinary that you haven’t been trained to believe in, to come to a place that you can apply it and put it within your life. But more than that, you can go way beyond ordinary. Is easier to watch greatness, it’s easier to go see greatness than it is to put it into time, into energy. I choose not to be a common man. It’s my right to be uncommon if I can. I see opportunity, not security. I do not wish to be a simple citizen humbled in dull by having the state look after me. I want to take the calculated risk, to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed, I refuse to live from hand to mouth, I prefer the challenges of life to the guaranteed existence of thrill of fulfilment, to the still calm of utopia  It’s my right to reign proud and unafraid, to face the whole world and say, this I have done. I’m never worried about reaction, just about inaction. If you want to never change, you have to constantly change everything. Hunting the destiny, I accept and welcome your advice to leave every place I visit in the same or better condition. Hunting windows of light dressed in grey clouds. I’m just the shadow of a bigger man. Glowing brighter with each year I am. I was standing on a mountain. Just looking down. You kinda brought the Sun today. And I kinda miss you. Kinda thank you. Stay calm, we’ll all just get along. Sit around, pretending like nothing’s wrong. So long, love letter. But you and I are gonna live forever.

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Previously, on, Alex

Iarasi vreau sa vorbesc despre decizia irationala a homo sapiens de a se arunca in vulnerabilitate si confuzie si abilitatea de a corecta; de a pune prima pata pe tabula rasa, si de a pune energia in miscare pentru a reajunge la perfect. Asta face artistul. Pune pata de culoare pe armonia neagra-alba si se expune riscului ce il pune in continua schimbare. Da! Tu ce zici? Cat de des pui pata haosului? Cat de des creezi? In orice caz din acel moment nu mai esti tu. Ce creezi esti tu, iar tu devii tabula rasa pentru ceea ce creezi care la randul lui se vede obligat sa puna pata pe tine. Canalul dintre tu si tu devine universul in care locuieste tot. „Stii, artistul nu are limite. Niciodata nu crede ca e deajuns. Mereu crede ca mai trebuie ceva si inca ceva si inca ceva; nu simte ca e gata” – verbalizeaza universul obsesiv-compulsiv.

In chaos, everything happens.

I’ve been stuck in an indecision bubble for the past 3 days. It made me go high and deep non stop; like each possible path acted like a thunder inside the holographic walls of my inner self. Not being able to assess myself, not being able to not need to assess, but I enjoyed it. Even when I don’t get it, I know I can handle it. It becomes fun, psychedelic. But of course these are not the main things I want to express. What is the best way of expression for me? How do I get there? How do I grow it? Tell me the story! Show me the story!

In order, only one thing happens.


This week, on, Alex

Actors in disguise
There’s a leader in the rise
From the sky he’s born
Into this world he’s thrown
Like a play without a soul
An actor all alone

I’m here to tell you you don’t know what you’re doing. This is great. People that know what they’re doing know the rules and they know what is possible and what is impossible, you do not. And you should not. The rules as to what is possible and impossible were made by people who have not tested the boundaries of the possible by going beyond them. And you can. If you don’t know it’s impossible is easier to do. And because no one has done it before, they haven’t made up rules to stop anyone doing that particular thing again. Today I am grateful.

Yeah, well, who the hell knows. Noone, that’s who. We all feel empty and alone and we want to feel special. So, make someone feel special, it will come back to you. You make Me feel special! Just wait for it, it will come around. Get out of context from once in a while and empty your mind. They’re all just stories; even “i gotta go pee” is a story. Forget about music, too. We all feel guilty. All day long nothing matters and it feels awful, but at the end of the day nothing matters and it feels good and free. You know this. You died many times. Even in this life. We’re all afraid of going mad, but like one famous cat said, we’re all mad here.

Listen. There is no such thing as any disorder, it’s just a label, we made it up, just like we made everything up. There is suffering, yes, and there is happiness, yes, confusion, struggle. People don’t talk about it, but we are all depressed, confused, abandoned, empty. You could help someone instead, like me. No I’m just kiddin’, I’ll ask for your help when i need it. I guess the point that people miss is that reality is language and that we must be interested in recoding, but they take it as serious business.


The thing about Pandora’s box is every toy goes back in the box after every game.

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set in a time earlier than the main story

19.feb.2016

Trip la Timisoara. Costumul de psihonaut pregatit: ochelari de soare. Sunt tot felul de locuri pe langa mine ca sa tin chestii in proximitatea mainii cu fiecare prioritate in minte. Muzica schimba totul in functie de ce privesc. Imi e greu sa aleg un numitor comun la ce zic, dar am incredere ca daca continui sa scriu o sa-l gasesc.

Ma gandesc acum ca noi ca si puncte de vedere ale universului sub diversele manifestari incercam doar sa ne spunem te iubesc prin tot ce facem, fie ca le codam sub forma de metafore menite sa aibe indicii catre iubire, fie sub forma de metafore menite sa ascunda asta.

Cand privesc in ochii unei persoane sunt egoless.

Cu cat ajungi mai sus in societate cu atat depui mai putina energie in lucrurile pe care le discutam, le facem cu pasiune, spontane, creative, autentice si cautand starea de bine. Cu cat depui mai multa energie pentru spiritualitate cu atat ramai mai jos in societate. Pana la un punct cand poti exploda in termeni de manifestari si exprimari.

Credeam ca daca nu pot bloca gandurile de inceput de scris in timp ce merg intr-o cafenea ca sa scriu, o sa pierd inceputul perfect. Dar ce sa vezi. Desi am consumat cateva idei, scena din Wien Cafe se asterne mandra si timida, incepand cu prezenta lui Markovici (tot in Wien Cafe ca atunci cand am plecat in Trip, a continuat cu locul perfect de stat de unde pot privi intreaga scena 180 de grade, finalizand cu ceea ce pare Vama Veche, dar acum imi dau seama ca e altceva. Nu aud versurile de energia fiintelor din incapere, dar simt foarte clar ce transmit. Devin intreg in acest mediu stimulant. Si nu sunt oamenii, oare, ca muzica? Si nu sunt, oare, versurile cele mai neimportante? Muzelor! Oricum, de fapt, e despre mine ce se intampla in jur. Sunt doar oglinzi, dar aici oglinzile se spala, reflecta doar lumina. De asta ma vad mai aproape de ceea ce sunt. Imi spal oglinda. Ador cand oamenii isi prezinta potentialul in fata mea, in oglinda mea, de care am grija si o curat.

Oamenii din fata discuta afaceri, investitii, feedback, proceduri; cei din dreapta sunt ceea ce par un cuplu adult. Ambii citesc carti, ce frumos; de fapt el ziarul, si doar el fumeaza. Cei din fata vorbesc de vinuri mai exact. Cei din colt, stanga, departe sunt trei batrani si mi-e greu sa aud ce discuta, iar cei din stanga aproape, doi tineri povestesc in nestire despre nimicuri totale si subiectiv semnificative. El vorbeste mai mult decat ea. Atipic. Poate e entuziasmat. Iar eu… eu scriu in mijlocul lor. Dar ce se intampla sub si deasupra acestori versuri e supa primordiala, e apocalipsa, e intregirea si implinirea, poate a mai multor universuri, de fapt cu siguranta a tuturor oglinzilor de aici. „Fiecare om are misiunea lui” – a spus cel din discutia afaceri-vinuri.

Ieri noapte iar s-a invitat in universul meu un eveniment plin de invataturi. Clean slate, again, haos, tabula rasa, detoxifiere, transformare, the next thing, spalarea oglinzii, restructurare, renuntare la sine, capatarea punctului de vedere spate-sus. Oglinda din fata mea era ceva ce n-am mai vazut pana acum, ceva nou, imprevizibil, indefinibil, riscant si magnetic poate. Un eveniment ce am preferat sa nu-l povestesc primei persoane pe care o vad, pentru ca experienta este cea care conteaza, cea care isi poate fi deajuns, si relatarea ei merita macar o internalizare mai migaloasa. Bruce Springsteen – Human Touch. Vreau sa vorbesc cu oamenii astia! Vreau sa vorbesc cu toti! Dar sa le ascult muzica si sa ii las pe ei sa-si asculte versurile.


“I don’t sing because I’m happy. I’m happy because I sing” – William James

“I think music in itself is healing. It’s an explosive expression of humanity. It’s something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we’re from” – Billy Joel

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain” – Bob Marley


The illusion of points

Si era o printesa prin purgatoriu. Numa ea stie ce cauta pe acolo. Oricum, tot felul de fiinte. Cred ca in sfarsit inteleg timpul, desi era chiar sub nasul meu. Cel mai probabil e cum a tot spus Terence Mckenna, materia ce produce perceptia timpului este evenimentul. Cat dureaza o eternitate in care nu se intampla nimic? Dar o secunda in care se intampla tot? nu e vorba despre “a trece” timpul ca sa se intample ceva, ci conteaza sa se intample anumite evenimente ca sa deblochezi anumite alte evenimente. Ce nu ti-am zis e ca sunt si fericit, nu doar trist. Deasemenea, paradoxal, graba nu face lucrurile sa se intample mai repede, in realitatea noastra bizara tine mai de graba de sincronizare.

I used to always know what song comes next. How long down the rabbit hole are you willing to go. The black canvas, blue canvas, grey canvas. I think one of the vibes here is the feeling of something bad is going to happen. It’s a goodbye message of sorts. Why would it be bad, thou? Maybe it’s also good. But there’s all kind of vibes besides that.

So let’s review. Why am I here? Why am I doing what I’m doing? Well, first of all I’m here to pay my debt. Second, to live my dreams. Can I do it? Yes. Will it work? As long as I keep moving, yes. Is it worth it? Totally. It does rain a lot, and out of now here. I touched base with another goal. It’s day 59. And it starts now. It always starts now. I have my next goal and my direction. Gotta push through. Gotta follow lord fortune wherever he leads. Gotta check in with the other traveller. Tu vezi cum sunt facute lucrurile. Iubesc asta la tine. Esti cel mai frumos caz de OCD aplicat la intreaga realitate. Daylight is still mine to command. I summon the energy that I need to overcome and kill with the bigger picture, kill with faith, with knowing the supreme truth. See ya! Everything that I asked for has been delivered. Thank you.

From the rubble, what do I see. There’s a whole damn army thinking that they’re gonna harm me. Say goodnight. I’ll never get free, oh I got troubles, they won’t let me be. But I won’t get tired, set the town on fire ’till my troubles got trouble with me. I’ve been on the run since I was a boy, but now I’m done running, got another thing coming. Watch my enemies get destroyed. Oh, I’ve got troubles of more than one kind, but I never sleep, gotta bury me six feet deep where the sun don’t shine, thinking that they’ve won. It’s only just begun. Clean slate. Refocus. Reassess.

I know I said that there’s a place full of bass where your soul can rest, but not in this world. The thing about life, I don’t think it lets you stop once you start. Recently I became intrigued with the idea of movement, of going somewhere; as a state. What do I mean by that? Let go of the idea that there’s a point where you get to do nothing, the place full of bass in your chest is not about that, but it is about constant change with no ends. It’s a stupid concept that people manifest. The idea of wanting for it to happen now. That just proves the absence of letting go of how it comes to pass. For me, I just want things to happen, it doesn’t matter when. I will experience them regardless, and they will pass just as fast.

I’m changing purgatories. They approved my demand to be moved to another facility. It’s closer to the mountain. The risk to believe that the journey is real is absolutely necessary, but that’s where that balancing act of habit and novelty comes into play. I do play a lot.

The existence, the physical universe is basically playful. There is no necessity for it whatsoever. It isn’t going anywhere. It doesn’t have a destination that it ought to arrive at. But it is best understood by analogy with music. Because music, as an art form, is essentially playful. We say you play the piano, you don’t work the piano. Why? Music differs from, say, travel. When you travel you’re trying to get somewhere. In music, though, one doesn’t make the end of the composition. The point of the composition. If that so, the best conductors would be those who played fastest. And there would be composers who only wrote finales. People would go to a concert just to hear one crackling chord, cause that’s the end. Same way with dancing. You don’t aim at a particular spot in the room because that’s where you want to arrive. The whole point of the dancing is the dance.

giphy


Commitment day

Autumn 2017

Am I ready? Ready for what? I’d rather be at the beginning of time, Earth would be mine. Discovering a world out there. Believing in the Sun, Earth, water and air, take me there, so I can see the world bloom, standing on a sea cliff, howling at the Moon, creating a world for the open minded, a unique perception, a truth decided, I know we can find it, it’s just a matter of when and where we collectively decide it. The world is not a vicious place; it’s just the way we’ve been raised, discovering time and space. I know that we can make a change, rearrange the way that we appreciate the world today.

I miss just writing.

Am un insight cu o chestie ce ai zis-o, ca “e bine sa te uiti asa lung in departare”.

Putting on the ritz. Put me in a Woody Allen film! Come on, do it! Put love in front of me, to take me up with no control. Come on! I’m drinking a fruit cooler with mango and passion fruit at Costa in UK. Second day of autumn, it’s warm outside, baby, it’s warm outside. I wanna write like Tarantino, I wanna love like Bogart. Where is the beautiful girl that loves the neurotic guy? Where you hear music, I wait for you. I want to thank you, old couple, for sharing the table and music with me. I wonder if it’s me and my girl in a parallel future of sorts.

– Are you a writer?

– Why yes I am. Well, I write reality into existence, just like the singer sings reality into existence.

Well, I guess I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way. What do you want me to talk about? The journey? The mission? The mountain? The island? The space ship? The sea ship? I’m still in fucking UK. I’m still me. I’m still working my butt of. Still determined. Resilient. Relentless. Still patient. Still smart. Still great. Still special. The waters are still for some time now. Not the clearest waters, but still, can’t complain. Tomorrow’s newspaper kept coming, but all pages are blank.

Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks now

Might be over now, but I feel it still

I don’t need, I don’t need time

I breath in time

Cause we are all, we are all lovers

Where, where are we now?

Secondly, don’t you tell me what you think that I can be

I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea

It’s commitment day. Firstly, I commit to committing. I commit to standing proud. And I commit to running, boosting my energy. I commit to walking. I already know what I’ve gotta do. I always get the memo once I get there. We can only go half way.


Flashback

Incerc sa oglindesc. Si faptul ca am observat un pattern si l-am comunicat, oprindu-ma acolo, e o oglindire. Faptul ca te ascult si aleg sa simt ce simti tu e o oglindire. E o vulnerabilitate ce se lasa traita. Vreau sa o fac. Asta e unul din rolurile mele din punctul meu de vedere. Din al tau poate fi altul. Dar eu tot fac ce simt, si amandoi suntem unul pentru celalalt rolul de care avem nevoie. Vrei sa il descrii?

Tot ce stiu e ca imi place conexiunea asta foarte mult. Tot incercam sa scriu diverse dar asta e tot ce a putut sa iasa. Care e rolul tau pentru mine? Am tot ales sa nu il stiu, simt ca i-as lua cumva din magie. Prefer sa il astept pana cand e evident; ma face sa traiesc mai intens, si acum, si atunci. Foarte des cand te vad devii tot felul de metafore. In timp ce ma gandeam ca imi vei cere vreun exemplu mi-am dat seama exact ce vreau sa zic prin asta. Spre exemplu, parul tau uneori devine tot ceea ce esti tu si tot ceea ce simt eu in acel moment devine plin de semnificatie si pot simti tot.

Am avut o zi incredibila azi, intensa, cu misiuni multe, si high si low, si nervi si buna dispozitie, certat, discutat problema cu totul in cel mai fain mod posibil, stabilit chestii pe termen lung. Carusel, nu altceva. Pai imi e greu sa reproduc exact ce s-a intamplat. Prefer sa imi dozez cat mai multa energie in prezent, ca sa nu las sa se adune, sa traiesc tot in acum. Cumva simt ca ma face sa ma conectez la mine. Faptul ca nu mai simt nevoia sa povestesc fiecare amanunt al vietii mele, desi mi-ar placea sa pot fi transparent, sa pot fi vazut complet, pare a fi o consecinta directa a faptului ca traiesc totul asa cum vine, si pare ca face parte din progresul pe care il fac in cel mai recent proiect al meu; de a ma iubi pe mine, neegoist, nenarcisist; pe care l-am inceput vara asta si am stabilit ca il las sa ma duca unde vrea el, planul. De asta sunt surprins de locurile in care ajung. Dar cred ca e si un mod in care poti ajunge acolo, probabil din mai multe. Mai consider si ca asa pot ajuta mai multi oameni care au nevoia de a se conecta cu altii, si de a exprima ce traiesc astfel incat sa devina realitate si sa o poata accepta. Imi place sa cred ca imi dezvolt abilitatea de a ma accepta doar conectandu-ma la mine si imi ofera oportunitatea de a imi doza mai multa energie in a ii accepta pe altii, iarasi, oglindindu-le aceasta posibilitate. Vezi? Si in plus aleg sa nu povestesc pentru ca lucrurile pe care le tot insir aici mi se par mai relevante decat evenimentele specifice. Mai de graba discutam direct invataturile care le da sens. Si oricum ajung in mod natural la lucrurile astea. Sincer, nici nu imi amintesc cand am schimbat povestea de la ziua mea, lucru pe care l-am spus oricum ca aperitiv de discutie, si am ajuns la a descrie ce mi se pare ca se intampla, facand pur si simplu asocieri libere, zburdand pe campii de semnificatie.

Ma gandeam ca Aia e ciudat: intrebarea „cum suntem?”.  Suntem niste oameni, asa ne zicem noi intr-o anumita limba din civilizatia noastra, dar despre asta poate altadata. Suntem niste oameni ce ne trezim aruncati intr-o chestie pe care oricum n-o intelegem, si avem asteptarea de a ni se spune cum suntem; fundamentali rai, fundamental buni, fiinte iubitoare, roboti fara liber arbitru, destinati autodistrugerii, exploratori. Si apoi vine in discutie „dar nu suntem liberi? Cum sa existe o lume in care te nasti si ti se spune cum esti, fara sa poti alege tu!”. Si apoi insusi faptul ca ne intrebam asta e ciudat. Nu avem liber arbitru. Nici animalele nu au, dar poate sunt intrebari ca sa ne tina in viata, nu altceva. Nedemonstrabil. Momentan ramane o chestie de alegere de perspectiva, sau de iluzia ei. Nu vrem cu adevarat raspunsuri. Da, sunt de acord. It’s all about the better question. Oricum toate raspunsurile vin cand murim. Toate raspunsurile sunt deja aici.