Monthly Archives: June 2017

A game of reflections and wonder

I wonder what this adventure brings. It’s a nice one. I missed a nice one. And not only is it nice, but it’s also a great one.

Merg la Cluj.

Oh wow. It brought love. What a surprise. What do I do with this love thing? How can someone love me back like I love them? And how do I still love her when she loves me back like that? How can we make our avatars love each other? And is it a good idea to follow this love, or any? How do I stay focused when in love? Should I forget her? Is true love possible? Would sex be good? Would it ruin it? Will she forget me? Should she? Am I over and wrongly enthusiastic? Is it wrong to want her to fool me and hurt me, just to, at least, feed on a fantasy? Should I trust my dopamine thoughts?

One thing is for sure. Yet another adventure is right around the corner.

Merg in Anglia.

Foresight Being, I want to tell you that money is coming, the beautiful souls came and we get to travel some more soon. Gotta give it to you, boring it ain’t. I really want the illusion of the impossible, the promise of pure, endless love. …all the ways we struggle to get out of our illusions are illusions themselves, after all. As long as there’s no doubt, I don’t even care if it’s true. Nonsense. Dopamine thoughts again. “Lose yourself, find yourself”. Close and closer, but not quite there, haven’t found myself yet. Gotta stay focused. Gotta follow my name even thou I don’t know it. Gotta keep the faith. Gotta nurture the spark of desire within. Back to the love thing, all I really want is we both go through the same thing. One thing is to go through pain alone, unbearable as it may be, but through love, to go at it alone…now that’s just sad. What needs to happen? What good in trying to figure out what needs to happen? Nonsense, anyway. What do you mean “needs to happen”?. Today she said something about friendship. I find myself in a Conundrum. If I ask her about this I strip off any magic from the box. If I don’t, I risk overthinking it or stripping myself off any energy in the box. Seems like I’m Schrodinger’s cat, and there’s a world out there where love is and isn’t at the same time, and me and her feel the same way and not at the same time. Still so many questions inside the Conundrum. Still my life sucks inside the Struggle. And still I’m a junky for love.

Can’t wait to get out of Sibiu. This island of smoky mirrors. I feel so fundamental here. I wanna be basic. I’m fundamentally fear and love at the same time. I wanna be one thing. A ride. For me and her. The clearer this reality becomes, the closer to the Sun I am, the harder it burns. I guess I’m not as strong as I like to believe. I guess I still struggle letting go. How could I accept the experience of her as a one time thing? How could, and why would anything ask of me to forget her. What good in loving deeply if loving deeply is letting her go? I even feel guilty and like a fool loving you. I keep wondering what will we more likely remember. What we said or what we didn’t say. What we wrote or what we chose not to. Words or non words.

Keep wanting to record the fact that I find myself in Wien Café yet again before I start my next adventure. What I want is keep talking to her and do my work good. After all, the Universe doesn’t like spoilers. So it has to forget in order to either remember or experience, which are actually the same. So just relax. Go on and on. Learn to ride a bike. Learn to swim. Be careless and careful. Follow lord fortune wherever he leads and petition your demons to tend to your needs. Go crazy, go wild, get wasted, get wise, wake up from your nightmares and stop believing their lies. Get active, get radical, get real and get magical. Aspire to the heights and embrace all your lows, give into desire, let the flood of lust flow. So let go, and let rip, take a ride, take a trip, get to work, get to bed, get a life, get a grip. Take leave of your senses, your cunning pretenses, pick up your beds and tear down your defenses, and retrace the course of the spring to its source.

***

A game of reflections

Who are you when you watch the awareness? What is the story? What is your role? Or is it part of the big secret? Oh, the big secret, from the holy, collective Spacebook. This is it, I say. Put on a good show for the dreamers out there. We always seem to want to write when we don’t feel like writing. I wonder what it feels like to want to not write when we feel like writing. Well, it doesn’t matter anyway, it has begun. The game is now called integrate everything! But what’s this whole secret fuss? Well, one thing they don’t tell you is how it never gets boring. All the time looking for the one story. How many decisions are being made in one moment? One. What does the absence of feedback bring? But relax, the big secret is unknowable. Or I’m just saying this to make you read in a non-belief mind set. How do you know I’m not manipulating you? Why do people report their life flashing before their eyes during a near death experience? One does not simply walk into death without integrating everything. And I can prove it. So relax! But stop for a bit. To enter this game you have to walk through the fundamental idea that every opposite  coexists all the time and in regards to anything and everything all at once. You have to forget everything you’ve known or thought you knew. It starts now. Good. I don’t want to blow your mind, but now you have to know the great answer and not speak a word of it, the big secret. How does it feel? Just stop for a bit! Life your head up and stare at whatever there is in front of you. Do this till you forget you were reading and you remember it back. Ok, do it now! What did you think about? What did you see? How long did you stare? Did you have an awareness of time while you were forgetting and experiencing at the same time? Time. Well, this is just juvenile of a toy in the game. By the way, do you remember when you decided to join the game?

***

To be honest, I don’t know where this love thing leads to. I mean, how long can I feel it? Am I trying to control it? What good in feeling this when it’s clear is gonna end? I know there’s no end and no means, even thou there’s meaning, there’s no conclusion to this Universe. It’s an endless book.

Another thing, I know for a fact she’s crazy. Her avatar I mean. And I feel like I don’t have an avatar anymore. It’s like I forgot how to be myself. I used to be charming and sexy, I used to act like I’m the shit. Where did I lose this? The days in this feeling are endless and full. Nothing incomplete about these days. And even thou there’s also desperation and light inside the storm of everyday, I happen to be inside the inside of the storm, making there be balance and ritm at the same time in the silence of the storm. I’m afraid to love you fully, I’m scared of it being enough and endful. I know it’s shawl, but I wish she finds me sexy. I know I find her sexy. And it’s so irrational. I’m not even gonna see her for a long time. Maybe I should forget her. If she’s worth it, I will remember her at the right time. What is really worth it in this experience we call life? Am I crazy, I wonder. I ride this wave right now, and I’m hungry, and I feed on the wind, and it feels right, but what shore will I end up on? Will she be there? What will be there? And will it be worth it? As I surf through the Great Conundrum, my Consciousness is suspended by the silence of love. I don’t budge.

***

Now the game is called “who’s gonna blink first?”. But my question is what happens if neither ever blink? Well, who cares, I need this moment of silence. I feel how I struggle not to forget her every time I’m under the impression this is the moment I forget her. Requires a lot of faith. In this crazy experiment of mine, I seem to be ending up in this state where I hunt down the last thought about her and I snooze it every time. It’s so dusty on the edge of the sphere. All the forgotten are here. I see her, she begins the same way. Her right star excites me and beautifully worries me at the same time. She creates me and I create her. We don’t blink. I do remember everything about you.  Now I have this crazy idea to keep writing and not speak a word of it. And I wonder a lot of stuff. I wonder if I made your reality magic, too. And you are completely forgotten. I wonder if I am completely forgotten, too. I take the first breath. She knows.

***

Sky high.

I will soon be sky high again. Above the clouds. Part of the big canvas. It’s funny, I kinda feel depressed. The funny part is I think I need to be, I feel I have to be sad and down for a while. Feels strange. I micro-dose death and I supra-dose love. Can’t help it. You may argue it’s unhealthy, but they are the ingredients of life. Actually I think all’s gonna be alright. I will enjoy every step of the way, every challenge and every reward. Mindfulness with timing, also known as syncronicity, is the way to go. I gotta say, I’ve come to embrace my deaths like never before, or is it that I played my cards right so far. Everything’s gonna be ok because I’m awesome. I’m letting go and I’m ready for anything at the moment when anything shows itself. I trust I always remember my mantra in the moment of action. I’ve seen myself, I’m very capable. Ok, sevraj time. Today we go sevraj. It’s gonna be a long day maybe, or not, hard, or not. I will stay staring into nothingness for hours if I have to. I don’t have permission to feel guilty or unproductive. This is sevraj day. So, in the summer of 2017, the month of June, I experienced both love and isolation. I enjoyed both. Now I find myself at the other end of it. I let go of all control and I embrace my whole self, with my controlling tendencies, too. It’s sevraj day and I’m hungry. I’m on holyday. No time for regrets. Half the fun is learning and I’m having a ball. While the world keeps turning, my role is small but I make a change. I hope you feelin’ the same way. In this concrete jungle we live our survival is love that we give, now my instincts are guiding my way, it’s true what they say, the world is your chance to create.

Advertisements