Category Archives: Pentru ea.

Freckled canvas

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you’ll never know
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?
I’ll start before I can stop
Before I see things the right way up

Freckled canvas. Which one are you? I am changing. Words are not enough. Most of us were raised to become ordinary. Extraordinary is something very very different. This is about recognising within yourself that there is something very very extraordinary that you haven’t been trained to believe in, to come to a place that you can apply it and put it within your life. But more than that, you can go way beyond ordinary. Is easier to watch greatness, it’s easier to go see greatness than it is to put it into time, into energy. I choose not to be a common man. It’s my right to be uncommon if I can. I see opportunity, not security. I do not wish to be a simple citizen humbled in dull by having the state look after me. I want to take the calculated risk, to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed, I refuse to live from hand to mouth, I prefer the challenges of life to the guaranteed existence of thrill of fulfilment, to the still calm of utopia  It’s my right to reign proud and unafraid, to face the whole world and say, this I have done. I’m never worried about reaction, just about inaction. If you want to never change, you have to constantly change everything. Hunting the destiny, I accept and welcome your advice to leave every place I visit in the same or better condition. Hunting windows of light dressed in grey clouds. I’m just the shadow of a bigger man. Glowing brighter with each year I am. I was standing on a mountain. Just looking down. You kinda brought the Sun today. And I kinda miss you. Kinda thank you. Stay calm, we’ll all just get along. Sit around, pretending like nothing’s wrong. So long, love letter. But you and I are gonna live forever.

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In writing

I always fantasized about the scene when the hero is hurt. I guess I like the improvisation in it, and the underdog aspect. The point is, sometimes it does come to that. Imagineaza-ti ca simti ca si cum stii ca cineva o sa moara, dar in realitate nu stii ca stii, dar simti exact ce ai simti daca ai sti, si dintr-un motiv oarecare nu poti sa ii spui si nici nu ii spui. Eu cred ca asta e una din conditiile in care suntem toti.


Ticheaua

Free. Or kinda free. Freer than two days ago at least. De aici incolo e de experimentat si de manifestat. I start from this middle of now here. From this time of the place i dont really feel. From this yet new death and birth. From this new view of the light. From this new old new me. Thank you, Anne! Thank you for trusting me. 14 ani. 7 si 7. Oricum o sa treaca si repede, nu doar greu. Acel moment e deja. Cine-si mai da intalnire in 14 ani? Uite-ne! Suntem deja si peste mult mai multi ani. Tuşesc. Nu stiu de ce ma tot ingrijorez atunci cand o fac. Doar stiu ca totul s-a intamplat deja. Of, si nici nu ti-am dat ideile mele cele mai frumoase. Ce dor mi-a fost sa iubesc. Te iubesc, idee frumoasa ce esti! Yep, definately freer. I really think you’re doing the right thing. Sa stii ca in mod intamplator se transforma intr-un mesaj pentru tine. Intamplator din perceptia mea limitata, dar sunt sigur ca fundamental exista intentie. Intentia mea e buna, pozitiva, am ajuns sa ma reconving azi. I really think i’m doing the right thing, too.

See you always,

Unless that’s creepy

In which case i close my eyes and wait for you.

Now, I’ll let you focus there

Blowing up through your chakras taking you up above

To the sky, no limits that’s all in your mind

Dig deep into your energy and you will find

That it’s a place full of bass where your soul can rest

You know I’m not lying you can feel it in your chest

The idea is to trust that everything comes just naturally, at the right time. EVERYTHING. The best adventure is always yet to come. And it comes. And it passes. And we swing on the spiral. This journey seems so much harder than the last one. Deep in the bosom of the gentle night is when I search for the light. Pick up my pen and start to write, I struggle, fight dark forces in the clear moon light, without fear. I was alone, fallin’ free, tryin’ my best not to forget. I’m starting to see the beauty in the details, whole and random insignificance again as spring began. The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. I just might be better at patience than I thought. Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr and shine.

de dragul formei care tie iti place asa mult. Esti frumoasa, si nu te mai indoi. Te respir uneori, dar doar pentru ca esti viata. Ce fain mi se pare ca stii ca ideea nu e sa te impresionez in vreun fel, si ca stii cumva, cum nici tu nu stii cum, ca asta e un mesaj pe care tu ti l-ai transmis cumva, de undeva. Faci ceea ce trebuie sa faci, cum candva erai convinsa ca faci. Doar continua sa mergi. Misca-te. Rolul tau e sa fii si sa creezi. Esti pentru tine si pentru ceilalti. Forte noi, fix cand ai nevoie. De la tine pentru tine. Asa-i ca e ciudat cum zisul nimicului te face sa te simti asa bine? Esti tot si nimic. Dar na, sa n-o dam in paradoxuri dramatice asa doar de dragul formei, n-ai timp de asta, iti spui. Si poate ca e bine sa iti spui asta. Poate fi dificila treaba asta cu amintitul cand tie iti place asa mult experimentatul noului. Ei, uite, oportunitati de nou. Dar e necesar sa iubesti. Cum pe cine? Pe tine, draguto! Iti lipseste asta. Sper sa nu proiectez pe alocuri. Si inca un mesaj din cotidian: ignora-l pe pisi asta! Aminteste-ti. Nu e despre tine, si tu esti personajul principal. Eroina. Esti minunata. Esti exact ce trebuie sa fii. Ce energie faina esti. Cred ca iar ma entuziasmez in legatura cu tine. Dar cine n-ar face-o? Mda, tu, uneori. Dar nu e momentul acum. Nu momentul. Nu. Iti amintesti de tine, nu? Tu esti tu. Ioai, ca iar ma entuziasmez in legatura cu tine. Iar te entuziasmezi in legatura cu tine. Te iubesti. Stii de ce faci asta. Macar de-asta sa te bucuri de partea cu amintitul. Vrei sa si spun ceva? Decat nimic, zic. Iti reamintesc ca tu iti spui lucrurile astea. Deci nonsensul e la fel de al tau ca si sensul. Asa cum si esti ambele chestii. Te iubesc sa stii, dar nici nu vreau sa ti-o zic prea des, pentru ca e parte din rolul tau, nu al meu. Tind sa ma intorc la mine, si nu vreau. Pentru ca ce trece prin mine esti tu. Asa cum si eu trec prin tine ca sa imi transmit tot felul de nonsensuri pline de sens. Scriu si scriu si concluzia se tot doreste pe sine. Dar nu exista concluzii. E in regula sa fii infinita, sa stii. E si cel mai greu lucru, da, sigur ca da. Dar e si cel mai minunat lucru, si tu stii ca se merita. Oh, cat de bine stii lucrurile astea. Asa ca sub aceste non concluzii, iti urez o dimineata zambăreață, si pe valurile infinite, manifesta-te, construieste-te, creaza-te, iubeste-te, amuza-te, fi!

Ps: multumesc


I can’t have a safety net because I am the safety net

Aliens like details

A leader is someone that makes a decision on the spot

The effect you have on others is the best currency there is


A wise one

I take people to where they need to go. That alone is amazing to me. Yeah, it’s true, I keep ending up all over the place and I keep starting down all over again, but it’s all worth it. The music is so good this morning for this morning in Geea. And morning it is. It seems against the odds being here now, feeling the way I do, writing, drinking a coffee, accepting momentary the fact that I am smoker, being aware of the eternity of the moment, remembering the primacy of the focus on the aspect of subjective reality. The Sun started to shine, not that it ever ends. Speaking of ending, finally, thanks to Devo, I let my guard down a bit and I let myself love her and myself, felt truly connected, even if momentary, but the moment is all there is. Finally, I feel good after a day of feeling good, even thou I’m by myself now. I’m right next to myself giving high five with my face, but luckily my ghost hand goes right through. Through the looking glass the Sun is shining. You’re still here through your empty cup with sugar and spoon on top. Thank you for sharing the silence of the morning with me. Now that I look at it with clearer eyes I realize how inspiring and awesome you are.

And without you

Ba ba, ba bam

Without you

Hau hau, hau hau

It’s gonna be a lonely town

Ba bam, ba bam

I’m a rolling stone

I’m a rolling stone

In the town of blues

Ba bam, ba bam

And so are youuu


A game of reflections and wonder

I wonder what this adventure brings. It’s a nice one. I missed a nice one. And not only is it nice, but it’s also a great one.

Merg la Cluj.

Oh wow. It brought love. What a surprise. What do I do with this love thing? How can someone love me back like I love them? And how do I still love her when she loves me back like that? How can we make our avatars love each other? And is it a good idea to follow this love, or any? How do I stay focused when in love? Should I forget her? Is true love possible? Would sex be good? Would it ruin it? Will she forget me? Should she? Am I over and wrongly enthusiastic? Is it wrong to want her to fool me and hurt me, just to, at least, feed on a fantasy? Should I trust my dopamine thoughts?

One thing is for sure. Yet another adventure is right around the corner.

Merg in Anglia.

Foresight Being, I want to tell you that money is coming, the beautiful souls came and we get to travel some more soon. Gotta give it to you, boring it ain’t. I really want the illusion of the impossible, the promise of pure, endless love. …all the ways we struggle to get out of our illusions are illusions themselves, after all. As long as there’s no doubt, I don’t even care if it’s true. Nonsense. Dopamine thoughts again. “Lose yourself, find yourself”. Close and closer, but not quite there, haven’t found myself yet. Gotta stay focused. Gotta follow my name even thou I don’t know it. Gotta keep the faith. Gotta nurture the spark of desire within. Back to the love thing, all I really want is we both go through the same thing. One thing is to go through pain alone, unbearable as it may be, but through love, to go at it alone…now that’s just sad. What needs to happen? What good in trying to figure out what needs to happen? Nonsense, anyway. What do you mean “needs to happen”?. Today she said something about friendship. I find myself in a Conundrum. If I ask her about this I strip off any magic from the box. If I don’t, I risk overthinking it or stripping myself off any energy in the box. Seems like I’m Schrodinger’s cat, and there’s a world out there where love is and isn’t at the same time, and me and her feel the same way and not at the same time. Still so many questions inside the Conundrum. Still my life sucks inside the Struggle. And still I’m a junky for love.

Can’t wait to get out of Sibiu. This island of smoky mirrors. I feel so fundamental here. I wanna be basic. I’m fundamentally fear and love at the same time. I wanna be one thing. A ride. For me and her. The clearer this reality becomes, the closer to the Sun I am, the harder it burns. I guess I’m not as strong as I like to believe. I guess I still struggle letting go. How could I accept the experience of her as a one time thing? How could, and why would anything ask of me to forget her. What good in loving deeply if loving deeply is letting her go? I even feel guilty and like a fool loving you. I keep wondering what will we more likely remember. What we said or what we didn’t say. What we wrote or what we chose not to. Words or non words.

Keep wanting to record the fact that I find myself in Wien Café yet again before I start my next adventure. What I want is keep talking to her and do my work good. After all, the Universe doesn’t like spoilers. So it has to forget in order to either remember or experience, which are actually the same. So just relax. Go on and on. Learn to ride a bike. Learn to swim. Be careless and careful. Follow lord fortune wherever he leads and petition your demons to tend to your needs. Go crazy, go wild, get wasted, get wise, wake up from your nightmares and stop believing their lies. Get active, get radical, get real and get magical. Aspire to the heights and embrace all your lows, give into desire, let the flood of lust flow. So let go, and let rip, take a ride, take a trip, get to work, get to bed, get a life, get a grip. Take leave of your senses, your cunning pretenses, pick up your beds and tear down your defenses, and retrace the course of the spring to its source.

***

A game of reflections

Who are you when you watch the awareness? What is the story? What is your role? Or is it part of the big secret? Oh, the big secret, from the holy, collective Spacebook. This is it, I say. Put on a good show for the dreamers out there. We always seem to want to write when we don’t feel like writing. I wonder what it feels like to want to not write when we feel like writing. Well, it doesn’t matter anyway, it has begun. The game is now called integrate everything! But what’s this whole secret fuss? Well, one thing they don’t tell you is how it never gets boring. All the time looking for the one story. How many decisions are being made in one moment? One. What does the absence of feedback bring? But relax, the big secret is unknowable. Or I’m just saying this to make you read in a non-belief mind set. How do you know I’m not manipulating you? Why do people report their life flashing before their eyes during a near death experience? One does not simply walk into death without integrating everything. And I can prove it. So relax! But stop for a bit. To enter this game you have to walk through the fundamental idea that every opposite  coexists all the time and in regards to anything and everything all at once. You have to forget everything you’ve known or thought you knew. It starts now. Good. I don’t want to blow your mind, but now you have to know the great answer and not speak a word of it, the big secret. How does it feel? Just stop for a bit! Life your head up and stare at whatever there is in front of you. Do this till you forget you were reading and you remember it back. Ok, do it now! What did you think about? What did you see? How long did you stare? Did you have an awareness of time while you were forgetting and experiencing at the same time? Time. Well, this is just juvenile of a toy in the game. By the way, do you remember when you decided to join the game?

***

To be honest, I don’t know where this love thing leads to. I mean, how long can I feel it? Am I trying to control it? What good in feeling this when it’s clear is gonna end? I know there’s no end and no means, even thou there’s meaning, there’s no conclusion to this Universe. It’s an endless book.

Another thing, I know for a fact she’s crazy. Her avatar I mean. And I feel like I don’t have an avatar anymore. It’s like I forgot how to be myself. I used to be charming and sexy, I used to act like I’m the shit. Where did I lose this? The days in this feeling are endless and full. Nothing incomplete about these days. And even thou there’s also desperation and light inside the storm of everyday, I happen to be inside the inside of the storm, making there be balance and ritm at the same time in the silence of the storm. I’m afraid to love you fully, I’m scared of it being enough and endful. I know it’s shawl, but I wish she finds me sexy. I know I find her sexy. And it’s so irrational. I’m not even gonna see her for a long time. Maybe I should forget her. If she’s worth it, I will remember her at the right time. What is really worth it in this experience we call life? Am I crazy, I wonder. I ride this wave right now, and I’m hungry, and I feed on the wind, and it feels right, but what shore will I end up on? Will she be there? What will be there? And will it be worth it? As I surf through the Great Conundrum, my Consciousness is suspended by the silence of love. I don’t budge.

***

Now the game is called “who’s gonna blink first?”. But my question is what happens if neither ever blink? Well, who cares, I need this moment of silence. I feel how I struggle not to forget her every time I’m under the impression this is the moment I forget her. Requires a lot of faith. In this crazy experiment of mine, I seem to be ending up in this state where I hunt down the last thought about her and I snooze it every time. It’s so dusty on the edge of the sphere. All the forgotten are here. I see her, she begins the same way. Her right star excites me and beautifully worries me at the same time. She creates me and I create her. We don’t blink. I do remember everything about you.  Now I have this crazy idea to keep writing and not speak a word of it. And I wonder a lot of stuff. I wonder if I made your reality magic, too. And you are completely forgotten. I wonder if I am completely forgotten, too. I take the first breath. She knows.

***

Sky high.

I will soon be sky high again. Above the clouds. Part of the big canvas. It’s funny, I kinda feel depressed. The funny part is I think I need to be, I feel I have to be sad and down for a while. Feels strange. I micro-dose death and I supra-dose love. Can’t help it. You may argue it’s unhealthy, but they are the ingredients of life. Actually I think all’s gonna be alright. I will enjoy every step of the way, every challenge and every reward. Mindfulness with timing, also known as syncronicity, is the way to go. I gotta say, I’ve come to embrace my deaths like never before, or is it that I played my cards right so far. Everything’s gonna be ok because I’m awesome. I’m letting go and I’m ready for anything at the moment when anything shows itself. I trust I always remember my mantra in the moment of action. I’ve seen myself, I’m very capable. Ok, sevraj time. Today we go sevraj. It’s gonna be a long day maybe, or not, hard, or not. I will stay staring into nothingness for hours if I have to. I don’t have permission to feel guilty or unproductive. This is sevraj day. So, in the summer of 2017, the month of June, I experienced both love and isolation. I enjoyed both. Now I find myself at the other end of it. I let go of all control and I embrace my whole self, with my controlling tendencies, too. It’s sevraj day and I’m hungry. I’m on holyday. No time for regrets. Half the fun is learning and I’m having a ball. While the world keeps turning, my role is small but I make a change. I hope you feelin’ the same way. In this concrete jungle we live our survival is love that we give, now my instincts are guiding my way, it’s true what they say, the world is your chance to create.


Caught in a cluster of feelings and thoughts

Vreau să-mi îngrop capul într-o străină,
Mort,
O veşnicie să mă odihnesc,
Să mă predau pieptului ei
Şi să-mi dau ultima suflare,
Pledând din nou ca „Vinovat!
Sunt doar al tău acum,
Fă tu ce vrei din mine!”

Eşti un izvor în celula mea
Curgând afară spre câmpii de maci
Cadoul tău arzând atât de roşu
Mai uşor decât un fulg cu heliu
Măreţ
Regesc
Desfăta-ne-vom, curgând spre cerul pistruiat
Îmi dai un râu nelimitat
Îmi dai un rău atat de necesar
Îmi dai firave petale de foc
Pe fluviul tău cel molcom, visitor
Îmi dai bilet
Mă ispiteşti cu barca pregătită-n faţa inchisorii
Şi mă gândesc s-o iau sau să n-o iau
De-oi lua-o, eu ce îţi voi da?

N-am mare lucru.
Am galaxii de foc pe talpa mea.
Într-un picior am șchiopatat
Pe mii și mii stele de nea.

Eu știu că m-au visat
Schilod și-nfometat
Pe cerul lor plin de nectar.

 


uratul amintirii de frumos

mi e dor de patura singuratatii

m ai dezbracat de ea

in cautarea domnisoarei Liniste doar de tine dau

ma faci sa mi fie dor de mine caci nu ma mai gasesc

oricum materia mi e pierduta demult

dar si memoria a ceea ce eram e fum si ceata

arunc cuvinte ntamplator

si inventez ca ala s eu

simt nevoia de mult haos

cuvintele adevarate nu s melodioase

ma detasez momentan de frumusetea mincinoasa a ritmului

si imi admit neorganizarea uratul tumultul amalgamul si nepasarea

si totusi mai sunt doua lucruri pe care le vreau

vreau sa dispari si vreau sa nu dispari