Category Archives: Uncategorized

The day off

I want to stand still at the center of the universe. This beautiful ever growing sphere. I am, actually, sitting in the center of it today. I had to. I am scared of losing sight again. My job now is to do the work. Why do I struggle so much with loneliness? I’ve been lonely and alone most of my life. Shouldn’t I be used to it? Depression is the worst. I always seem to feel guilty for feeling depressed. I really don’t like half measures. I wish I could work for two or three years straight, no sleep, no nothing. It’s quite possible in three years it will have felt like that, or at least could be described in such words. It feels more natural to me to focus on one thing at a time, and do it completely. To be an idea at a time [said a univers]. I really wanna cry hysterically in a pair of boobs. I guess I’m taking a day off from life. That’s not so bad, is it? Lemme roll a joint real quick.

I’ve been thinking about resilience lately. Do you know the definition? The power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity. Or, ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy. I took it from the dictionary, but I saw a different choice of words on a poster. I’ll tell you exactly next time I see it and remember to remember it. Anyway. You know, it is funny that loneliness is the killer, and I’m dying to, how Freddie Mercury puts it, living on my own. I think any paradox is the key and the doorway into the rabbit hole. I wonder about the other traveler often times. And I bet I’m really not alone, even thou I feel lonely. Why this constant need for reassurance? I wonder how come I feel so comfortable in the center today. Pretty much everything I do, or maybe just a lot of it, points to truthfully affirming that I am courageous. Courage and craziness, both have the same definition. But why do I feel crazy, but courageous not? I don’t mind it, I’m just asking. Reality really looks so surreal. Look at the sky sometimes, when you get the time. Thank you, Sun, for warming my back just like that. It’s perfect. Thank you wind, for reminding me I’m alive. Thank you Moon, for being here with me. Wait. But how come you’re here? It’s 12:00 day time. Even most nights you’re wandering of somewhere else. Thank you Earth, for the landing space, for your beauty and riches, for straightening my spinal cord, helping me breathe. And this show just for me? Ha ha. I feel humble.


In writing

I always fantasized about the scene when the hero is hurt. I guess I like the improvisation in it, and the underdog aspect. The point is, sometimes it does come to that. Imagineaza-ti ca simti ca si cum stii ca cineva o sa moara, dar in realitate nu stii ca stii, dar simti exact ce ai simti daca ai sti, si dintr-un motiv oarecare nu poti sa ii spui si nici nu ii spui. Eu cred ca asta e una din conditiile in care suntem toti.


Sun is setting

The weather is meee-eh

Makes you wanna move

Your dancing faaa-ace

To the rescue

Here I am

I want you to know

Just where I stand

I kinda feel objective to my objectivity. Got real tight and cozy there for a while. Today is one month since I got to UK. It’s my sister’s birthday, also. Happy birthday, sis! And also today another traveler steps foot in a wonderland. I wish you luck! Luck is the best. I still can’t really tell if there’s art in UK, but there’s art in me. I’m thinking about going undercover for a bit, maybe a week.

Just like a word can contain the significance of the whole imagine of the story, the same way one single being can contain the story of the whole universe.

Blue.

I don’t know whether or not I’m gonna write next Saturday.

***

Like a book

We’ve all got a lot of chapters. That we do. It’s hard to be lonely. But it’s also hard to love people. I think that that’s the trap. Yes, the little private trap that everyone lives in. And we need people, but that need can destroy us. Once you care about someone, it rules you. And who even knows, at the end of the day, if that person is really who you think they are. Or if they’re even real at all.

***

Cand se lasa seara peste cartier

Vine dimineata si totu-i la fel

Si cand se lasa seara peste cartier

Ma gandesc la maine, vreau sa uit de ieri

Mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor

Mi-e dor, mi-e dor

Oooof lume, oooof lume

Oooof lume, oooof lume

Cand pe vale, cand pe culme


What is a story?

I am not the only traveler
Who has not repaid his debt
I’ve been searching for a trail to follow again
Take me back to the night we met

i. Reality is a scene

I live on top of a bar. Recently a cat has started to bring me tomorrows newspaper, today. I don’t wanna jinx it, but it does feel like the right thing. The whole thing. I mean, I do like this, well, this low life job. I do enjoy it, driving a lollop and all. Saving the world. Manifesting the mind of a machine that demands productivity and believes it strips you of yourself because it doesn’t understand you, but I feel it only fuels and focuses my creativity, distributing “the word”. I do work in distribution. First of all, there’s no mental stress, especially after work, just physical stress. Doesn’t mean I don’t dislike it. At the same time I’m a bit fearful of writing about the unpleasant experiences and thoughts, what if I help their realness? Ok, let’s shed some perspective, right? Perspective makes life interesting because it changes reality. It’s one day before the pit stop. Two days time, two weeks will have passed. Why two weeks? Because!

I keep myself on the edge as much as I can, familiarity can only be slow down. I already find it easier to get by than I did back home. I’m eager for future adventures, but I don’t want to restart levels. I have my patience with me, but, oh, the road is long. I really feel the world is mine for the taking. The world is my home. Like, for real, cause we mentioned perspective, I’m here 23 days now, and I feel my life so rich in experience compared to the periods when I don’t do a thing! A year can pass in depression and you feel it like a single moment, empty, whereas, going through this shift in perspective makes me experience fullness. I guess foolishness is part of it. I just want to remind myself to enjoy every step of the way. To not fall into the trap that, the point that I created is the only vessel of happiness. Happiness is the vessel in which things get lost. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I love you all so much that I’m letting you all go, every moment. I’m letting go of the whole world. I remember that no matter what you decide, the way you actually do it is in a mindful manner. I renounce the universe.

It’s easier to not want things if they would just happen. He he, good one, right? Ok, so I and the pit stop collided yesterday. Today I meet my latest goal. Funny, I feel empty. Not just empty, but empty nonetheless. I wonder why. Maybe it’s a side effect to focus being turned up. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some beautiful experiences lately. Maybe “having” them made me want more. I just wanna surrender. You know how that is like, right? And I surrender. I miss forests and nature and rivers and oceans and worlds. We survive only on one tree for now, here. Don’t worry about direction and navigation; I’m taking care of it. I did do better this week around. Well, why am I complaining? It’s full of challenges. Loving every minute cause you make me feel so alive. It’s better be worth it, that’s all I ask for.

Stau si ma intreb cine sunt. Sunt pozele si conversatiile de pe facebook, sunt semnificatiile ce i le dau? Sunt lucrurile  pe care le vreau? Sunt eu cand sunt singur? Sunt toate persoanele din jurul meu? Simt ca m-am saturat sa stau in garda. Vreau sa iert. Toate lucrurile astea ma fac doar sa fiu gol. O sa vina un moment in care voi avea nevoie de ajutorul fiecaruia dintre voi. I’m tired of holding grudges on people. I need to let myself trust. But it’s so damn hard. I feel so lonely. Life is like carrying a message from the child you were to the old man you will be. You have to make sure that this message isn’t lost along the way. And that’s when my quest for identity deepened. I wanna grow roots all the way to the center of the earth and fly with it all. Well, we’re all doing the flying bit, cause, well, the earth is doing it. I guess, if any problem really exists, this is one that I’ve always had. Call it root chakra or whatever you wanna call it, the “al cui esti?”. I was always able to fly, no problem, but I was never grounded. Maybe that’s why I’m so easily home to an alien. Maybe that’s why I don’t wanna be part of any club that would have me as a member. Maybe I’m the alien of this world just as the alien in me is of I. Maybe everyone is. I do love to write, the whole experience of it. The fact that it dissolves and stops time. It makes it flow. It’s ok to want to hold it all. Who wouldn’t want, really?

ii. and life is a stage

azi am meditat in timp ce mergeam pe strada, aveam ganduri si o stare din aia gen normala. au ajuns gandurile la gandul “hmm, uite starea asta. dar oare cum ma simt acum?” zic “ma simt” si am intrat imediat in starea de meditatie. dar trebuia sa schimb ce privesc destul de frecvent gen, ca sa raman mindful, si ma simteam… ce vedeam, fie ca erau frunze, cladiri, dar nu eru frunze cladiri, erau ce erau, asa cum e cand nu vorbesti in cap. mai fac din astea.. Ma gandeam la “iluminarea” mea sau ce-o fost, imi amintesc senzatia aia ca nu stiam nimic inainte si acum, uite, in ce moduri e de fapt construita realitatea asta. iar acum e ca si cum stiu si nu ma mai impresioneaza, daca stii ce zic. nu e neaparat un lucru rau, si probabil e, ca de obicei, vorba despre momentul ala exact in care se intampla, de insight, orgasm spiritual. stii, ma gandeam azi ce vreau sa fac si imi dadeam seama ca nu stiu ce vreau sa fac, dar nu o vedeam ca un lucru rau neaparat, doar o vedeam. bine, apoi mi-am raspuns ce vreau sa fac, ca totusi e usor sa primesti un raspuns cand intrebi, dar tot imi dadeam seama ca ce vreau de la lucrurile care imi treceau prin minte este experienta din ele, sa ma faca sa uit de timp pentru ca devin timpul. poti spune ca devin un eveniment sau o serie de evenimente. dar nici nu exista iluminare. Dacă ai putea fi orice, ce ai fi? Let’s invent a thing inventor said the thing inventor being invented by a thing inventor. cred ca as fi exact ce probabil sunt. as fi un tot intreg si parte cu parte. tu?

All your life is made of I will do this, or maybe not, or maybe I will, or I won’t, or I will do this and you do it or not. But what we’re after still remains the experience of doing something and then realizing that we were just a watcher to what we were doing, getting a strange kind of feeling and kind of a proud reflex, that you are completely able to do stuff without you watching over you. But what am I looking for? And why am I asking? And still, I’m not that impressed of this paradox, like I used to get some time in the past.

Strange how strong the instinct is to see something incredible and reach for a camera as if to lend it some credibility, to prove that it’s real, that I was here. We live our lives in moments, in those rare experiences we stop to notice and carry with us, in the hope of stringing them together trying to tell a story. But even in the moment you can feel it start to fade. So you try to capture it, and convert it into something that will last longer than just a flash. And over time a photo feels more real than its subject. It lets you build a version of the world that you can take with you. A world flattened and simple. A world that doesn’t change. That fits in the frame. A little brighter and more colorful. With everything under control. You can travel the world looking for memories and still find yourself standing behind a camera waiting for the world to hold still. With every click of the shutter you try to press pause on your life, if only so you can feel a little more comfortable moving on, living in a world stuck on play. A part of you knows that you can’t take it with you, but that doesn’t stop you from trying. What if I can stay just a little longer, what if we didn’t have to go. We try to capture moments as if we’re afraid they’ll escape. But they will get away eventually. Take one last look, one more shot, so years from now you can flip back through, and try to relive it all over again. But maybe even then you’ll be thinking to yourself, oh well, I guess you had to be there.


In my art, I attempt to explain life and its meaning to myself

All you have to figure out is what they need that your talent can provide. Look, I’ll give you a bigger clue. In a way it’s all about how much you can sacrifice in order to buy yourself enough time to get to do what you love and forget about time just enough that you worked on a thing you didn’t know you worked on and it has become something they reward.

money is just like a religion, too. and it’s a bad kind, as well, as it gives happiness or/and freedom just to some and to some not. we need that which gives it to everyone.

when you read in a mindful state, really feeling each word for itself I feel like one can access the incorporated signification of the whole imagine

ne exprimam ca sa ne gasim

even though she wasn’t there, except in his mind. She was dead, but what did that matter? How different is that from any relationship? How much do we project onto our mates? And why the hell do we need so much anyways? Is happiness in a sense all just a creation of the mind? What a crazy and powerful thing is to give yourself to someone. To see yourself whole and to simply offer everything, completely trusting that they won’t drop and break you. Not even crossing your mind.


Ticheaua

Free. Or kinda free. Freer than two days ago at least. De aici incolo e de experimentat si de manifestat. I start from this middle of now here. From this time of the place i dont really feel. From this yet new death and birth. From this new view of the light. From this new old new me. Thank you, Anne! Thank you for trusting me. 14 ani. 7 si 7. Oricum o sa treaca si repede, nu doar greu. Acel moment e deja. Cine-si mai da intalnire in 14 ani? Uite-ne! Suntem deja si peste mult mai multi ani. Tuşesc. Nu stiu de ce ma tot ingrijorez atunci cand o fac. Doar stiu ca totul s-a intamplat deja. Of, si nici nu ti-am dat ideile mele cele mai frumoase. Ce dor mi-a fost sa iubesc. Te iubesc, idee frumoasa ce esti! Yep, definately freer. I really think you’re doing the right thing. Sa stii ca in mod intamplator se transforma intr-un mesaj pentru tine. Intamplator din perceptia mea limitata, dar sunt sigur ca fundamental exista intentie. Intentia mea e buna, pozitiva, am ajuns sa ma reconving azi. I really think i’m doing the right thing, too.

See you always,

Unless that’s creepy

In which case i close my eyes and wait for you.

Now, I’ll let you focus there

Blowing up through your chakras taking you up above

To the sky, no limits that’s all in your mind

Dig deep into your energy and you will find

That it’s a place full of bass where your soul can rest

You know I’m not lying you can feel it in your chest

The idea is to trust that everything comes just naturally, at the right time. EVERYTHING. The best adventure is always yet to come. And it comes. And it passes. And we swing on the spiral. This journey seems so much harder than the last one. Deep in the bosom of the gentle night is when I search for the light. Pick up my pen and start to write, I struggle, fight dark forces in the clear moon light, without fear. I was alone, fallin’ free, tryin’ my best not to forget. I’m starting to see the beauty in the details, whole and random insignificance again as spring began. The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. I just might be better at patience than I thought. Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr and shine.

de dragul formei care tie iti place asa mult. Esti frumoasa, si nu te mai indoi. Te respir uneori, dar doar pentru ca esti viata. Ce fain mi se pare ca stii ca ideea nu e sa te impresionez in vreun fel, si ca stii cumva, cum nici tu nu stii cum, ca asta e un mesaj pe care tu ti l-ai transmis cumva, de undeva. Faci ceea ce trebuie sa faci, cum candva erai convinsa ca faci. Doar continua sa mergi. Misca-te. Rolul tau e sa fii si sa creezi. Esti pentru tine si pentru ceilalti. Forte noi, fix cand ai nevoie. De la tine pentru tine. Asa-i ca e ciudat cum zisul nimicului te face sa te simti asa bine? Esti tot si nimic. Dar na, sa n-o dam in paradoxuri dramatice asa doar de dragul formei, n-ai timp de asta, iti spui. Si poate ca e bine sa iti spui asta. Poate fi dificila treaba asta cu amintitul cand tie iti place asa mult experimentatul noului. Ei, uite, oportunitati de nou. Dar e necesar sa iubesti. Cum pe cine? Pe tine, draguto! Iti lipseste asta. Sper sa nu proiectez pe alocuri. Si inca un mesaj din cotidian: ignora-l pe pisi asta! Aminteste-ti. Nu e despre tine, si tu esti personajul principal. Eroina. Esti minunata. Esti exact ce trebuie sa fii. Ce energie faina esti. Cred ca iar ma entuziasmez in legatura cu tine. Dar cine n-ar face-o? Mda, tu, uneori. Dar nu e momentul acum. Nu momentul. Nu. Iti amintesti de tine, nu? Tu esti tu. Ioai, ca iar ma entuziasmez in legatura cu tine. Iar te entuziasmezi in legatura cu tine. Te iubesti. Stii de ce faci asta. Macar de-asta sa te bucuri de partea cu amintitul. Vrei sa si spun ceva? Decat nimic, zic. Iti reamintesc ca tu iti spui lucrurile astea. Deci nonsensul e la fel de al tau ca si sensul. Asa cum si esti ambele chestii. Te iubesc sa stii, dar nici nu vreau sa ti-o zic prea des, pentru ca e parte din rolul tau, nu al meu. Tind sa ma intorc la mine, si nu vreau. Pentru ca ce trece prin mine esti tu. Asa cum si eu trec prin tine ca sa imi transmit tot felul de nonsensuri pline de sens. Scriu si scriu si concluzia se tot doreste pe sine. Dar nu exista concluzii. E in regula sa fii infinita, sa stii. E si cel mai greu lucru, da, sigur ca da. Dar e si cel mai minunat lucru, si tu stii ca se merita. Oh, cat de bine stii lucrurile astea. Asa ca sub aceste non concluzii, iti urez o dimineata zambăreață, si pe valurile infinite, manifesta-te, construieste-te, creaza-te, iubeste-te, amuza-te, fi!

Ps: multumesc


I can’t have a safety net because I am the safety net

Aliens like details

A leader is someone that makes a decision on the spot

The effect you have on others is the best currency there is


Accidental Shaman

Birth place: Earth

Race: Human

Politics: Freedom

Religion: Love

Practice: Yoga, meditation

Tools: Drugs

Mission: Unite, direct

If we drop the ball all of nature witnesses the failure and our children receive the result. Consider yourself self-selected for this interaction and an ambassador for reason on this issue of conscious expansion and self-exploration. It’s all about building a common language and support each other. Be a shaman with hyperdimensional perception and remember who you are, not what you have.

I now make a promise to myself. To follow my mission no matter what. To be present in the moment during the journey. To do my best each day. So that I sleep well, satisfied, grateful, joyful. And wake up confident, energetic, driven, grateful, joyful. This reminds me of George Carlin when he said he now needs only a puff of weed and he starts writing. I am proud of myself for quitting smoking tobacco (at one point). For trusting my intuition. For putting myself in situations to experiment. To grow and evolve. To be uncomfortable. To care for my potential, the energy that I am. And the way I put it out in the world, which is of the utmost usefulness for diversity in regards to patterns of reality. For balancing act of habit and novelty. I am proud of myself for traveling and loving. For forgiving. Myself and others. For taking an interest in, and caring for my fellow travelers in the ride of existence. For playing with form – Remembering who and what I am. And they are. Reminding them, too. For learning how to focus. For appreciating this silence, right now. For all, I applaud you, Alex, you, Being.

Maybe I should just embrace being alone in this journey. Bibi says I should just be me, no matter the consequences my mind creates. She also says I should, like, make a list, write down the people I’ve helped and then I should help myself for a change. Hmm. Help myself.

Ieri am vorbit cu Simo cinci ore. Am creat impreuna o gaura masiva in baza de date colectiva. La un moment dat puteam pur si simplu sa vad campul de informatie ce plutea in permanenta deasupra noastra, prin noi. Stiam ca si  ea il vede si ca deja stie tot ce stiu si eu, si tot ce conta era sa o vad pe ea. Acum vreau sa fac totul fie si doar sa ii povestesc ei atunci cand va fi momentul, daca va fi. Daca nu, ea oricum stie tot. M-am regasit pe mine in ea. Aleg sa o vad ca un mentor. Nu conteaza varsta, sex, Simo este modelul meu. Te iubesc, Simo. In afara timpului. Intreaga lume a fost pe pauza timp de cinci ore. Las experienta sa isi urmeze cursul natural si o iubesc ca atare. Acum ea exista in acel moment, iar eu exist in altul.

Vreau sa accept exact cine sunt. Chestia e ca pare ca umblu prin lume cu o rana deschisa si ma face sa imi fie greu sa ma apropii de oameni, sa nu cumva sa-i contaminez sau sa ma contamineze. Which is bullshit and not. I should just enjoy all these experiences. Yeah, feels like I’m living in a bunker, a hatch, but I’ve always wanted to live in a bunker. “Come to terms” is what they say. What I know is I woke up this morning feeling like “fuck this shit”, I’m so over it, I’m so over feeling sorry for myself, a kind of “sictir” which, in times like this turns out to be very useful. Turns out I did help a lot of people in a significant way, I also let some people down, or hurt them. You see, I’ve got this thing, I take things from people and then leave, which looks like my father’s behavior. Ma exclud mult. I should do something else instead of that in order to be happy. I can’t help but think how much knowledge and wisdom I will manifest once I shift my perspective to clarity.

When you can’t be fooled, you don’t ask the question anymore.

I’m bigger than the universe, smaller than the universe and equal to it. I know I should let everyone go, at least for a while. I should trust they all take care of each other while I’m gone on this different journey. Meh…I’ll be alright. The truth is I do not know. The truth is I am both evil and pure. The truth is I have no control. There is no puzzle to this universe. What makes you think there’s a puzzle to this universe? You try to explain it. A real explanation is not just a description. It’s a description which enables us to control what we are describing. To control the world is not really what we wanna do. So if all explanations have this as their function, enabling us to control, than maybe an explanation is not what we wanted. What makes things complicated is explaining. What is complicated is not nature, but trying to put it into words. Life is a celebration of itself.

Si iata-ma, 10 februarie 2017, scriind cu pixul mic si metalic, simtind aproape prezentul. Inteleg nevoia mea de control, si pot incepe sa o dizolv. Cumva, explicarea sau descrierea au potentialul de a dizolva tot felul de realitati. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Mi se pare ca egoul meu a crescut de ceva timp, si nu la modul fain (daca ar exista asa ceva), ci la modul ala pe ranit si vinovatie si din astea. Dar doar in bucla asta temporala. Principial, toate modurile sunt identice si complet diferite in acelasi timp.

Pai si acum ce ar mai fi de scris? Tot uit planul. Ti se intampla si tie? Ar trebui sa citesc despre grem lin, sau cum ii zice.

Ma gandesc la oamenii care dispar si nu ii cauta nimeni. Da, aparent exista astfel de oameni. Si aparent exista si oameni care sunt “gone missing” si nu stiu ca sunt “gone missing”. Ma mai gandesc si la perspectiva prin care eu sunt pentru alti oameni cu vieti, trairi, universuri complexe, cu naratiuni lungi, stiute, intelese sau neintelese, eu sunt doar un personaj din décor care isi consuma cafeaua, si care de multe ori se gaseste in centrul lucrurilor focusat pe complexitatea propriei existente. Asta e tot una din aia fara concluzie. Presupun ca sunt un fel de motor al universului ce produce bancuri seci. Pentru ca bancurile seci nu au concluzie. Dar sunt bune bancurile seci. Nu? Daca n-ar fi bune nu ar exista. Dar hai sa inlocuim cuvantul “bun”. Bancurile seci sunt…potrivite, ce chestie, sunt ce sunt, sunt bancuri seci. Am nevoie sa integrez simplitetea si claritatea.


Exploring the subjective

The field of language

The undefined space as a canvas for our co-creative role through feedback loop

Experiencing the grip on infinity

Love is still the best drug (2017)

The feeling of being watched by the universe

To the guru and the shamans, we need to bounce people from our frequency, not trap them there.

To the gurus out there: you can not have direction because you are the compass. You don’t go places. You show places.


A wise one

I take people to where they need to go. That alone is amazing to me. Yeah, it’s true, I keep ending up all over the place and I keep starting down all over again, but it’s all worth it. The music is so good this morning for this morning in Geea. And morning it is. It seems against the odds being here now, feeling the way I do, writing, drinking a coffee, accepting momentary the fact that I am smoker, being aware of the eternity of the moment, remembering the primacy of the focus on the aspect of subjective reality. The Sun started to shine, not that it ever ends. Speaking of ending, finally, thanks to Devo, I let my guard down a bit and I let myself love her and myself, felt truly connected, even if momentary, but the moment is all there is. Finally, I feel good after a day of feeling good, even thou I’m by myself now. I’m right next to myself giving high five with my face, but luckily my ghost hand goes right through. Through the looking glass the Sun is shining. You’re still here through your empty cup with sugar and spoon on top. Thank you for sharing the silence of the morning with me. Now that I look at it with clearer eyes I realize how inspiring and awesome you are.

And without you

Ba ba, ba bam

Without you

Hau hau, hau hau

It’s gonna be a lonely town

Ba bam, ba bam

I’m a rolling stone

I’m a rolling stone

In the town of blues

Ba bam, ba bam

And so are youuu