The day off

I want to stand still at the center of the universe. This beautiful ever growing sphere. I am, actually, sitting in the center of it today. I had to. I am scared of losing sight again. My job now is to do the work. Why do I struggle so much with loneliness? I’ve been lonely and alone most of my life. Shouldn’t I be used to it? Depression is the worst. I always seem to feel guilty for feeling depressed. I really don’t like half measures. I wish I could work for two or three years straight, no sleep, no nothing. It’s quite possible in three years it will have felt like that, or at least could be described in such words. It feels more natural to me to focus on one thing at a time, and do it completely. To be an idea at a time [said a univers]. I really wanna cry hysterically in a pair of boobs. I guess I’m taking a day off from life. That’s not so bad, is it? Lemme roll a joint real quick.

I’ve been thinking about resilience lately. Do you know the definition? The power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity. Or, ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy. I took it from the dictionary, but I saw a different choice of words on a poster. I’ll tell you exactly next time I see it and remember to remember it. Anyway. You know, it is funny that loneliness is the killer, and I’m dying to, how Freddie Mercury puts it, living on my own. I think any paradox is the key and the doorway into the rabbit hole. I wonder about the other traveler often times. And I bet I’m really not alone, even thou I feel lonely. Why this constant need for reassurance? I wonder how come I feel so comfortable in the center today. Pretty much everything I do, or maybe just a lot of it, points to truthfully affirming that I am courageous. Courage and craziness, both have the same definition. But why do I feel crazy, but courageous not? I don’t mind it, I’m just asking. Reality really looks so surreal. Look at the sky sometimes, when you get the time. Thank you, Sun, for warming my back just like that. It’s perfect. Thank you wind, for reminding me I’m alive. Thank you Moon, for being here with me. Wait. But how come you’re here? It’s 12:00 day time. Even most nights you’re wandering of somewhere else. Thank you Earth, for the landing space, for your beauty and riches, for straightening my spinal cord, helping me breathe. And this show just for me? Ha ha. I feel humble.

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As time goes by, with the shift in perspective, I notice I reconsider what I believe some peoples message to be.

I will remember everything once I get there.

I think I smoke pot because I’m cynical. You know what a cynic is, right? A disappointed idealist. I bet you didn’t think of yourself as cynical before.