I am not the only traveler
Who has not repaid his debt
I’ve been searching for a trail to follow again
Take me back to the night we met
i. Reality is a scene
I live on top of a bar. Recently a cat has started to bring me tomorrows newspaper, today. I don’t wanna jinx it, but it does feel like the right thing. The whole thing. I mean, I do like this, well, this low life job. I do enjoy it, driving a lollop and all. Saving the world. Manifesting the mind of a machine that demands productivity and believes it strips you of yourself because it doesn’t understand you, but I feel it only fuels and focuses my creativity, distributing “the word”. I do work in distribution. First of all, there’s no mental stress, especially after work, just physical stress. Doesn’t mean I don’t dislike it. At the same time I’m a bit fearful of writing about the unpleasant experiences and thoughts, what if I help their realness? Ok, let’s shed some perspective, right? Perspective makes life interesting because it changes reality. It’s one day before the pit stop. Two days time, two weeks will have passed. Why two weeks? Because!
I keep myself on the edge as much as I can, familiarity can only be slow down. I already find it easier to get by than I did back home. I’m eager for future adventures, but I don’t want to restart levels. I have my patience with me, but, oh, the road is long. I really feel the world is mine for the taking. The world is my home. Like, for real, cause we mentioned perspective, I’m here 23 days now, and I feel my life so rich in experience compared to the periods when I don’t do a thing! A year can pass in depression and you feel it like a single moment, empty, whereas, going through this shift in perspective makes me experience fullness. I guess foolishness is part of it. I just want to remind myself to enjoy every step of the way. To not fall into the trap that, the point that I created is the only vessel of happiness. Happiness is the vessel in which things get lost. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I love you all so much that I’m letting you all go, every moment. I’m letting go of the whole world. I remember that no matter what you decide, the way you actually do it is in a mindful manner. I renounce the universe.
It’s easier to not want things if they would just happen. He he, good one, right? Ok, so I and the pit stop collided yesterday. Today I meet my latest goal. Funny, I feel empty. Not just empty, but empty nonetheless. I wonder why. Maybe it’s a side effect to focus being turned up. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some beautiful experiences lately. Maybe “having” them made me want more. I just wanna surrender. You know how that is like, right? And I surrender. I miss forests and nature and rivers and oceans and worlds. We survive only on one tree for now, here. Don’t worry about direction and navigation; I’m taking care of it. I did do better this week around. Well, why am I complaining? It’s full of challenges. Loving every minute cause you make me feel so alive. It’s better be worth it, that’s all I ask for.
Stau si ma intreb cine sunt. Sunt pozele si conversatiile de pe facebook, sunt semnificatiile ce i le dau? Sunt lucrurile pe care le vreau? Sunt eu cand sunt singur? Sunt toate persoanele din jurul meu? Simt ca m-am saturat sa stau in garda. Vreau sa iert. Toate lucrurile astea ma fac doar sa fiu gol. O sa vina un moment in care voi avea nevoie de ajutorul fiecaruia dintre voi. I’m tired of holding grudges on people. I need to let myself trust. But it’s so damn hard. I feel so lonely. Life is like carrying a message from the child you were to the old man you will be. You have to make sure that this message isn’t lost along the way. And that’s when my quest for identity deepened. I wanna grow roots all the way to the center of the earth and fly with it all. Well, we’re all doing the flying bit, cause, well, the earth is doing it. I guess, if any problem really exists, this is one that I’ve always had. Call it root chakra or whatever you wanna call it, the “al cui esti?”. I was always able to fly, no problem, but I was never grounded. Maybe that’s why I’m so easily home to an alien. Maybe that’s why I don’t wanna be part of any club that would have me as a member. Maybe I’m the alien of this world just as the alien in me is of I. Maybe everyone is. I do love to write, the whole experience of it. The fact that it dissolves and stops time. It makes it flow. It’s ok to want to hold it all. Who wouldn’t want, really?
ii. and life is a stage
azi am meditat in timp ce mergeam pe strada, aveam ganduri si o stare din aia gen normala. au ajuns gandurile la gandul “hmm, uite starea asta. dar oare cum ma simt acum?” zic “ma simt” si am intrat imediat in starea de meditatie. dar trebuia sa schimb ce privesc destul de frecvent gen, ca sa raman mindful, si ma simteam… ce vedeam, fie ca erau frunze, cladiri, dar nu eru frunze cladiri, erau ce erau, asa cum e cand nu vorbesti in cap. mai fac din astea.. Ma gandeam la “iluminarea” mea sau ce-o fost, imi amintesc senzatia aia ca nu stiam nimic inainte si acum, uite, in ce moduri e de fapt construita realitatea asta. iar acum e ca si cum stiu si nu ma mai impresioneaza, daca stii ce zic. nu e neaparat un lucru rau, si probabil e, ca de obicei, vorba despre momentul ala exact in care se intampla, de insight, orgasm spiritual. stii, ma gandeam azi ce vreau sa fac si imi dadeam seama ca nu stiu ce vreau sa fac, dar nu o vedeam ca un lucru rau neaparat, doar o vedeam. bine, apoi mi-am raspuns ce vreau sa fac, ca totusi e usor sa primesti un raspuns cand intrebi, dar tot imi dadeam seama ca ce vreau de la lucrurile care imi treceau prin minte este experienta din ele, sa ma faca sa uit de timp pentru ca devin timpul. poti spune ca devin un eveniment sau o serie de evenimente. dar nici nu exista iluminare. Dacă ai putea fi orice, ce ai fi? Let’s invent a thing inventor said the thing inventor being invented by a thing inventor. cred ca as fi exact ce probabil sunt. as fi un tot intreg si parte cu parte. tu?
All your life is made of I will do this, or maybe not, or maybe I will, or I won’t, or I will do this and you do it or not. But what we’re after still remains the experience of doing something and then realizing that we were just a watcher to what we were doing, getting a strange kind of feeling and kind of a proud reflex, that you are completely able to do stuff without you watching over you. But what am I looking for? And why am I asking? And still, I’m not that impressed of this paradox, like I used to get some time in the past.
Strange how strong the instinct is to see something incredible and reach for a camera as if to lend it some credibility, to prove that it’s real, that I was here. We live our lives in moments, in those rare experiences we stop to notice and carry with us, in the hope of stringing them together trying to tell a story. But even in the moment you can feel it start to fade. So you try to capture it, and convert it into something that will last longer than just a flash. And over time a photo feels more real than its subject. It lets you build a version of the world that you can take with you. A world flattened and simple. A world that doesn’t change. That fits in the frame. A little brighter and more colorful. With everything under control. You can travel the world looking for memories and still find yourself standing behind a camera waiting for the world to hold still. With every click of the shutter you try to press pause on your life, if only so you can feel a little more comfortable moving on, living in a world stuck on play. A part of you knows that you can’t take it with you, but that doesn’t stop you from trying. What if I can stay just a little longer, what if we didn’t have to go. We try to capture moments as if we’re afraid they’ll escape. But they will get away eventually. Take one last look, one more shot, so years from now you can flip back through, and try to relive it all over again. But maybe even then you’ll be thinking to yourself, oh well, I guess you had to be there.
In my art, I attempt to explain life and its meaning to myself
All you have to figure out is what they need that your talent can provide. Look, I’ll give you a bigger clue. In a way it’s all about how much you can sacrifice in order to buy yourself enough time to get to do what you love and forget about time just enough that you worked on a thing you didn’t know you worked on and it has become something they reward.
money is just like a religion, too. and it’s a bad kind, as well, as it gives happiness or/and freedom just to some and to some not. we need that which gives it to everyone.
when you read in a mindful state, really feeling each word for itself I feel like one can access the incorporated signification of the whole imagine
ne exprimam ca sa ne gasim
even though she wasn’t there, except in his mind. She was dead, but what did that matter? How different is that from any relationship? How much do we project onto our mates? And why the hell do we need so much anyways? Is happiness in a sense all just a creation of the mind? What a crazy and powerful thing is to give yourself to someone. To see yourself whole and to simply offer everything, completely trusting that they won’t drop and break you. Not even crossing your mind.